Whirlwind

Whew- the first two weeks of 2016 have been c-r-a-z-y, but in the best way possible. On New Years Eve my boyfriend and I made a (super) spur of the moment decision to drive across the country to see our Clemson Tigers play in the National Championship game in Arizona! After quickly finding tickets and figuring out how to get there, we packed up his car and drove to Austin, Texas to meet up with five of our best friends from college. From there, the seven of us drove the rest of the way to Arizona together.

The trip turned out to be the adventure of a lifetime. Nothing in the whole world beats being with old friends- people who truly know you, who've seen you through good and bad, who love you for you. We haven't all been in the same place at the same time since 2014, so being trapped in a car together for 14+ hours straight was basically a dream come true. We had the best time reminiscing, catching up on our new lives, laughing, talking, and just soaking up our time together.  The entire trip was one of the most ridiculous, fun, hilarious, crazy, amazing things I've ever done and I loved every second of it. A cross-country road trip with best friends is one of those *bucket list* items you always want to do, but never actually think will happen. I'm so thankful to Clemson for giving us all a reason to come together again- my heart hasn't been that full in a long time. Here's a peek at the trip-

The biggest highlight of the week was definitely visiting the Grand Canyon for the first time (the fact that I got to experience this breathtaking place with my best friends made it even sweeter). It was easily one of the (if not the) most beautiful, truly awe-inspiring places I've ever been. Nature is my happy place, so I was totally in heaven in this incredible park surrounded by the most unique landscapes I've experienced in my 23 years of life.  I can't express how deeply thankful I am to have had the privilege to visit one of the most special places in our country- such a blessing!

My people <3 

After making the journey from South Carolina to Arizona and back, I turned around two days later and ran my very first half-marathon! My girlfriend and I have been training since October, so it was crazy that the race seemed to arrive and end so quickly! It was a tough, fun, crazy experience and I still can't believe I actually did it! We were so lucky that the weather was perfect and I'm so proud to say I finished it in 2 hours and 13 minutes (2 minutes faster than my goal time)! Whoop whoop!

After such a whirlwind few weeks I feel like I'm finally settling into the new year and getting back to regular life after the holidays. Here's to getting settled, organized, and back in my routine! Cheers!

-Lanie W.

2015 --> 2016

Helloooo... it's me. (Sorry, I'm currently listening to 25 on my record player and couldn't resist the chance to quote Adele)! Well well well- I don't even know where begin. It's been so long sine I've written here it feels a bit odd to do so. I'm not even sure I know how to blog anymore. I'm so out of practice with sharing my thoughts through writing on a regular basis that I feel a little very rusty. To be completely honest, I do miss the ritual of writing here a few days a week. I really can't believe I was able to blog on such a consistent basis while also doing school/life/an internship full time. I'm retroactively impressed with myself, if that's even possible (lolz).

I'm in the process of reviewing my 2015 goals and measuring how the year went. Looking back, 2015 was great and weird, confusing and fun, life-giving and full of change. I was pushed out of my comfort zone constantly and learned what it meant to truly rely on the Lord for strength and guidance. I worked my first real job for a full year and learned so much about life, myself, other people, and a thousand other random intricacies of "adulthood". My friends and I laughed and cried and smiled and complained and told the same stories over and over again. We went to happy hours and weddings and football games. We danced and rode bikes and ate too many tacos. I ran a 10k and started training for my first half marathon (which I'm going to be running in just 13 days!!!). I found a church I love and spent blissful, soul-nourishing hours worshiping Jesus with some amazing humans. I traveled to a brand new city (St. Louis!). Brandon and I finally got to fly in a plane together for the first time. I attended two really interesting (but very different) professional conferences. I made new friends and deepened relationships with those I've known for years. Mostly, I spent the 2015 un-learning everything I knew to be true for the first 23 years of my life and re-forming how I understand, live in, and experience the world + life in general. It was really challenging at times, but also full of grace and "aha" moments. If I could sum up the year in one word it would definitely be this: growth.

Moving into 2016, I'm unsure how to feel. It's sure to be another year full of the unknown; 365 days of new circumstances and experiences that will bring both good and bad, joy and pain. I have no idea what's going to happen, and that's feeling more scary than exciting right now for some reason. There are so many what-if's swirling around the new year, but here's what I'm hoping will happen in 2016: 

Move a new apartment in a different area of town

Adopt a puppy (!!!)

Travel to Austin, Chicago and Nashville (to name a few)

Take Brandon to NYC for the first time

Reunite with my roommates from Florida 

Keep up my passion for nutrition + my fitness/running routine

Make my family and friends feel special and loved by me at all times

Help people and make a difference in my community

Read, learn, and challenge myself continually

Have quiet time to pray, journal, and spend time with the Lord each day

Take advantage of living in Charleston and experience new things

Grow in my faith, join a small group, and be brave about sharing Jesus' amazing love with others

Spend as much time with the people I love as possible, because life is so short and uncertain

There are so many tangible and intangible things I hope to do this year, but most of all I want to do everything out of love and a lens of eternal significance. If I end the year and all I've done is cover my family, friends, and those I interact with in Jesus' love, then I will consider 2016 a success. I don't have as many hard "goals" as I do a passion for making this year full of joy rooted in Jesus- because He is truly all that matters yesterday, today, and forever. Living the next 12 months in pursuit of Him will yield better things than I could ever dream up for myself- and that is really the only thing I know to be true.

However you're hoping this year will go, I wish you a wonderful start of 2016! I'd love to say when I'll be back to the blog, but given my sporadic writing nature these days I really don't know when that will be. :)

Until next time! xoxo

-Lanie W.

Thoughts on Life at 23

You know that feeling when you haven't seen someone (a friend, a significant other, etc.) in a long time and you finally reunite? The butterflies, the surge of nervous energy, the anticipation? When I finally sat down to write something for my little abandoned corner of the internet that's the feeling that came over me. I'm honestly a little nervous about this for some reason. I find it kind of strange that I spent the past few years writing and sharing things here on a consistent basis. (Sidenote: this is going to be more than a little ramble-y, you've been warned).

It's been 3 months since I last wrote a post here. A lot has happened since then- working, traveling to Atlanta/ North Carolina/Clemson/my hometown/St. Louis, going to concerts (James Taylor + Ed Sheeran <3), attending a Braves game, an art show, two weddings, hip hop dance classes, playing in a glow in the dark Bocce Ball league (lol), hanging out with friends new and old. I find myself itching for a change, but not knowing what that change should/could be. Part of me wonders if it's the fact that my brain is sill programmed to work in 9 month increments at a time since that's the way my life was structured from ages 6 to 22. Or it could be that I'm ready for something different because that's the stage of life I'm in. I could choose to really put down roots or I could shift directions completely and go somewhere/do something brand new.

The scary (somewhat annoying) thing about shifting into life as an "adult" (whatever that means) is that there's no right answer or pre-determined path to take. I'm halfway through my 23rd year and I almost feel like I'm unlearning everything I knew to be "true" for the first half of my life and relearning how to exist in the world every day. Growing up has been a cycle of breaking down and re-forming my core ideas, views on the world, and way I live my life. Everything used to seem so black and white, but things are increasingly blurry and confusing as the days pass.

I read an article from Elite Daily dissecting why being 23 feels so weird that said "Science shows that your brain is on the tail-end of its mental peak, taken differently, it's at the beginning of mental decline. Your prefrontal cortex, the part that controls emotional responses, is at its height of formation -- making us crazy with feelings. The rest of your brain, however, is retaining information it thinks it'll use and clearing out the rest." I can definitely relate- my brain/emotions feels spazzy and shifty a lot of the time.

I'm happy knowing I'm not the only one going through this. My friends and I constantly talk about how this stage of life is so weird/unsettling 85% of the time. With the shiny highlight-reel that is social media constantly playing out snippets of "perfect" lives in front of our faces 24/7, our instincts tell us to join the masses and act like we're totally killing it- that we have gorgeous apartments, happy relationships, passion-filled careers, busy social lives, etc. But when we're really honest with each other we admit that everything isn't great all the time. It's so refreshing to read an article or Instagram post that admits life isn't all avocado toast and fun vacations- sometimes it's hard and dark and twisty and makes zero sense.

Sometimes I'm not sure that I'll ever feel settled, satisfied, or "adult". I laugh at my 18 year old self who thought mid-twenties Lanie would be "grown up" and have it all together. But you know what? I'm realizing more and more that it's okay that I don't. I've been learning (the hard way) to give myself, and others, grace. Grace to be young and to not have it all together. Grace to change and shift and grow every day. Grace to screw up and make the wrong choices. Grace to actually sit with sad, confused, or contemplative feelings instead of pushing them away. Grace to know that life is a marathon, not a sprint, and that I don't have to constantly strive for some unattainable cultural expectation of adulthood - I can just live. Why? Because Jesus. He's already done the work. We're loved and saved and safe in Him without having to do anything other than trust Him and profess Him as our Lord. *Cue the world's biggest relieved exhale* - I truly couldn't do life without my relationship with Him. I'm realizing more and more that my neediness in this stage of life is probably there to teach me to trust in and rely on Him rather than my own "strength" or "life plan". And even though it's harder than those stretches of life where I've felt strong and in control I wouldn't change it, because I'm closer to Him now than ever before. I'm getting first hand experience that when we are weak, He is strong. And that's sweeter than anything I could imagine.

I'm type-A. I like working towards a goal, I like a list, I like checking things off and hitting milestones in a certain timetable. Letting go, holding my plans loosely, and trusting that His path for me is better than anything I cold possibly dream up is hard, but it's so worth it. I'm learning that more and more each day. Growing pains aren't easy, but life isn't supposed to be easy. It's supposed to be a journey that leads us closed to Him. Praise God for that. If this season of life is leading me to Him then I accept all the changes and weirdness with open arms. I don't/won't understand everything, but I'm not supposed to and, best of all, I'm not expected to. I'm so thankful that my worth isn't pinned on what I do, but what He has already done for me.

So, that's a small peek at where I'm at and where I've been. I truly want to start writing here on a consistent basis. Sharing my thoughts through writing is so important to my heart and soul. Other than dancing, it's my favorite way to find release- it makes me feel like me. My hope is to start posting at least once a week - so stay tuned. xoxo

-Lanie W.

Thoughts on "Bittersweet"

I remember reading somewhere that a good, thought-provoking book can change you. That it can make you into a new, different person who carries the lessons and thoughts from the author the rest of your life. I never really understood this concept until I read two books by Shauna Niequist. First, Cold Tangerines and then, because I couldn't get enough of her rawness, honesty, and thought-churning brilliance, Bittersweet. I just finished the latter and I already want to drive straight to the bookstore to purchase her newly released book, Savor.

Very few thing in this day and age connect with me and spur me to truly think- to sit with my thoughts and consider ideas and feelings both new and old. Ever since I graduated college (with an English degree- hello) I've, embarrassingly, read very few books. For those few years reading took on the persona of obligation, achievement, and something that kept me from what I really wanted to be doing (aka hanging out with my friends, vegging out watching ABC Family, eating frozen yogurt until my stomach hurt- totally things that would help me grow as a person #lol). These days, since I work in social media, I look at a screen more than anything else. I thought I would be so happy to be rid of reading lists full of books that literally made my brain hurt to try and comprehend, but I'm now realizing what a luxury that was and how much I miss it. To be told to read books that creep into your consciousness and change the way you view the world- what a gift. If you're in college, please appreciate this phase of your life!

These days I (shamefully) spend time that I could (should) be reading, looking at a screen. I work, exercise, come home and pretty much turn off my brain until I go to sleep. Rise, repeat, over and over. But that's not the way I want to live my life. I don't want it to be a fog of emails and social media and sitting in front of the tv. I want it to be full of thought and growth and change. In the past month I've read more than I have in a year, and I think I have summer to thank for that. I've always seen summer as the time of reading "for fun" as cliché as that sounds. In the last 10 years, laying on the beach or by the pool, I've read thousands of pages of light, fluffy, generally unchallenging prose. But in two books, less than 800 pages between them, I've learned more about the world, God, life, love, pain, beauty, and myself than all of those other books put together. And I'm so, so thankful.

Shauna is phenomenal in a completely different way than one would expect of a brilliant writer. She isn't reaching for the most glamorous, dramatic, page-turning stories or ideas. She's taking life- real, meaty, messed up human life- and explaining it in a way that's more poignant than anything I've ever read by an obscure scholar, prize-winning author, or celebrated professor. During/after reading her books my brain is a flurry of activity and thought and my heart is full and swirling with newly inspired/tilled up emotion. It brings me back to who I am and challenges me to think about how I'm living and who I'm becoming. We're kindred spirits, Shauna and I. We're both former English majors who love to read and write. We love celebrations, holidays, and traditions; being the one to create situations that make other people happy. We like to be the entertainers, leaders, problem-solvers, and smile generators. We love community and gathering everyone around one another in genuine fellowship.

Yet her books also taught me that even though our personalities are hardwired to cultivate/celebrate the happy things of life- we have to realize that everything can't and won't always be sunshine and smiles. I have a hard time settling into unpleasant feeling and less than ideal situations. I like to gloss over the hard stuff, push it to the back of my mind, and focus on things that make me happy, things I can "control". I like to be the one who changes the subject when things get tense/sad/emotional. I like to think I can help steer the ship and avoid pain, both for myself and others, by shutting down topics that I know will generate less than positive feelings. I don't like to sit in uncomfortable feelings and have difficult conversations- but then again who does? On some level I'd rather put a peppy pink bandaid over the situation than do the work to actually bind up the wound. I thought this was a fine way to go about life until reading her books- Bittersweet in particular. Her words and thoughts completely moved me and I'm forever changed and better for it. I'm more real and honest with myself. More in touch with my actual feelings rather than ignoring the hard stuff in favor of the happy/easy. I feel more like myself and nothing like myself at the same time. That's what brilliant writing does.

This year out of college has made me realize that life is a journey that's not straight or simple. It's completely different than the way you exist for the first 22 years of your life, moving from grade to grade, working toward the next goal. You don't always move from one expected milestone to the next; you don't get to continually check off the next item on your life "to-do" list. But I'm also realizing and appreciating that, even though it would be easier that way, I don't want to/expect to live a perfect, perpetually unchallenging life at all. I fully realize that the journey will be great and hard, soul-filling and soul-crushing, light and dark. I've lived through some of the dark times already- I've experienced the sting of failures and pain and loss. But I've also experienced the joy and fun and lightness that can spring up in the next moment. Of course it would be wonderful for everyone to never be sad or uncomfortable or in pain, but that isn't why we're on earth. Without pain we wouldn't be able to recognize joy. And I'm thankful for that. I know that life isn't perfect or free from pain and sorrow, but it isn't supposed to be- that's what Heaven is for.

I'm grateful in the deepest level of my soul to know that God is with us, holding us, comforting us in each and every dark time. He is most present and real in the lowest and hardest of times. When the family member is lost, when a murderer harms innocent people, when an unexpected diagnosis occurs- God shines brightest. It's when the merry train of life, that usually chugs along without any major problem, comes to a sudden halt that He is most present.

Shauna put words to my feelings and opened my eyes to an entirely new way of thinking and living and I'm so, so grateful to her for being brave enough to share her stories in a raw way. Reading her books isn't easy. Her challenging words churn up the hard stuff that I usually ignore; her truths about life force me to lay it all out on the table and work through the things I've pushed away. What a gift. I pray that I have the courage to do the same- to openly share my stories in a way that makes people think and draw closer to God. Shauna- you're great. Please never stop writing and sharing your voice with the world!

-Lanie W.